Too Many Margheritas
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: In a parody of every very special episode EVER made, Buster develops an addiction to Margherita pizza. It begins to have a negative effect on his friends and himself.
1. Too Many Margheritas Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 20

Airdate: March 14, 2014

Title: Too Many Margheritas (Part II of the St. Patrick's Day Quintet)

Segway Segment: St. Patrick's Day Quintet Code Hunt (featuring Buster)

Special Guest Stars: None

Satire/Social Commentary: Very special episodes in the 1970s up to the 1990s, usage of shoehorned morals into these episodes, drug addiction/abuse

COLD OPEN

There is a huge audience dressed fancy in an auditorium. The men have on tuxedos, the women have on dresses and ball gowns. Some women are wearing gloves that stretch past the wrists, while some men are wearing monocles. The red curtain is pulled back, and the crowd cheers as Sparky and Buster walk out with tuxedos.

SPARKY: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sparky MacDougal.

BUSTER: And I'm Buster Newman. Tonight's episode of _Thank You, Heavenly _is going to be done a little differently.

SPARKY: Tonight, we're having a very special episode about drug abuse, and the people who live with it.

BUSTER: What? We're not doing that. It's a very special episode about alcohol abuse.

SPARKY: What?! Are you kidding me?! Alcohol abuse is WAY passe. Remember when we were going over episode ideas and I suggested we do one on drugs?

BUSTER: We didn't go for that idea.

SPARKY: Yes, we did.

BUSTER: No, we didn't.

SPARKY: Yes, we did!

BUSTER: No, we didn't!

(The audience starts chattering amongst themselves)

SPARKY: YES, WE DID!

BUSTER: NO, WE DIDN'T!

(in the back; can't be seen but can be heard) RK: IF YOU GUYS DON'T WRAP THIS UP SOON, I'M COMING OUT THERE AND I'M GOING TO SNAP YOUR NECKS!

(long pause; Sparky and Buster now have blank stares)

SPARKY: Well, I guess we'll find out what the very special episode is right now.

BUSTER: Yup.

SPARKY: Well...enjoy the show, everybody.

(Sparky walks to the back; Buster looks at the floor disappointed for a bit)

BUSTER: Live mas.

(Buster also walks to the back and the audience gives them a standing ovation)

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are at the table. They're waiting for Sparky to return from the store.

RK: Well, Sparky said this would be the most amazing Friday night dinner in the history of history.

JAYLYNN: Somehow, I have my doubts.

WADE: Don't you always?

BUSTER: Look, I'm sure whatever Sparky has planned is going to be delicious.

JAYLYNN: I don't think so. Sparky has been VERY experimental with his cooking lately. Remember his creamed bologna burritos from two weeks ago?

CUTAWAY GAG

Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all clutching their heads in pain and moaning at Sparky's house. They all were affected by his creamed bologna burritos.

SPARKY: I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you guys, the extra meat can cause a serious headache.

RK: THAT CREAM HAD BETTER BEEN MAYONNAISE!

END OF CUTAWAY

WADE: RK, by the way, that WAS mayonnaise.

RK: Are you sure? That's not what I was tasting.

BUSTER: Look, regardless, I have confidence in Sparky that he'll deliver a good meal.

JAYLYNN: We can only hope.

(Sparky pulls up to the house and takes the groceries out of his car trunk; he's about to walk inside when he goes back to check out something on the car that caught his eye)

SPARKY: What the? A nick in the paint?!

(Sparky raises his eyebrow at the camera and walks inside the house. We know what HE knows.)

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Alright sports fans, you've been begging for something more practical on Friday nights after weeks of outside-the-box culinary techniques.

BUSTER: What?

RK: What?

JAYLYNN: Que?

WADE: (sighing) For a while, we've wanted something simpler because lately his cooking has been weird and not satisfying.

BUSTER AND RK: Oh.

JAYLYNN: We're es stupido.

SPARKY: So tonight, sports fans, we're having some pizza...Margherita pizza!

(Sparky takes the first Margherita pizza out of the oven, and gets out a second one; he sets them both down on the table; the gang doesn't know what to say)

SPARKY: Don't worry, I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Sparky, why isn't there more pizza?" Well, don't worry, I bought two more boxes.

RK: That's not what we're thinking. It just seems...regular.

JAYLYNN: Practical.

WADE: A departure from the avant-garde, yes.

BUSTER: Mom, you bought tomato pizza?

SPARKY: Well, yeah. I got the inspiration from when Cimorelli stayed here for a couple days. Man, we had some fun.

(confused) RK: When did that happen?

SPARKY: Oh yeah, that was a (bleep) dream. Well, kids, eat up. Be a fattie, it's Friday.

RK: It's Friday.

SPARKY: It's Friday.

RK: And what's the time?

SPARKY: It's time to get ill.

RK: I say, what's the time?!

SPARKY: It's time to get ill!

RK: I SAY, WHAT'S THE TIME?!

SPARKY: IT'S TIME TO GET ILL!

RK: I SAY, WHAT'S THE TIME?!

SPARKY: IT'S TIME TO GET ILL!

JAYLYNN: I say it's time to eat, so shut the hell up and chow down.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

RK: My Lord, that was delicious. I can never wear a belt again. So long, E-Z Fit Jeans. My perfect ass will never get hugged by your material after this.

WADE: Sparky, this was a return to form. Well done, my friend.

SPARKY: Why thank you, dearest Wade.

JAYLYNN: I hope Buster isn't dead. Out of the 24 slices you reheated, he ate nine.

(Buster is on the floor sleeping with a half-eaten pizza slice on his stomach)

SPARKY: Buster, you OK? Buster?

BUSTER: Giddy up...giddy up and go, here's another great cartoon from Ranger Joe...

WADE: He's fine.

BUSTER: This was amazing. I want more pizza.

SPARKY: Go ahead, I'm stuffed. What about you guys?

RK: Forget it.

WADE: Have the rest, please.

JAYLYNN: I never want to see another slice again.

BUSTER: Alright, your moaning and groaning is MY reward.

(Buster takes the remaining slices and wraps them in foil paper; Wade has a suspicious look on his face)

SPARKY: What's wrong, Wade?

WADE: Um, nothing. There's just a tomato piece on my shoe, that's all.

(looks under the table) SPARKY: There's no tomato piece.

WADE: WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO JUDGE?!

SPARKY: Nobody?

WADE: Good. RK, you want to come see me upstairs?

RK: Wade, I can't move. If I do, another button will pop off my sexy jeans and poke your eye out.

WADE: RK, COME WITH ME!

(Wade pulls RK off his chair and drags him on the floor outside the kitchen)

RK: NO, DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I FEEL LIKE SOME BLOATED ITALIAN GUY!

SPARKY: Don't hurt the kid.

(Jaylynn looks around, and stares at Sparky)

JAYLYNN: So what WAS that Cimorelli dream about?

Wade is done dragging RK into Sparky's room.

WADE: Damn, you're heavy.

RK: What do you expect? I lodged six slices of Margherita pizza down my throat! I feel like Jabba the Hutt's stepson who wanted to try out for college football, but realized he was better off pursuing a more constructive career in astrophysics.

WADE: Are you still seeing that psychiatrist?

RK: Yes.

WADE: Good.

RK: Now why did you drag me in here?

WADE: I think...(moves in closer)

RK: We're not on a date, homeboy.

WADE: (sighs) I think Buster's addicted to that pizza.

RK: First off, why did you whisper when we're the only ones in this room? And second, maybe YOU should see a psychologist.

WADE: You never know who's listening behind these walls. And this isn't just a puerile infatuation with food. This is a serious addiction that can lead to serious problems later on.

RK: Oh my God? You don't think...

WADE: Yes. RK, Buster's addicted to Margherita pizza.

(Alarming background music from _Full House _plays as Wade pats a shocked RK on the back)

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Everyone except Buster is there.

SPARKY: Wade, I just don't buy it. It's only pizza. He probably just really liked it.

WADE: Sparky, this isn't a joke.

SPARKY: What...at what point did I take what you just told me as a joke?

JAYLYNN: Buster's such a good kid. Addicted to Margherita pizza? I don't believe it.

RK: I know, right? I think we should just give Buster the benefit of the doubt. And if he truly is addicted, we'll just figure out the best way to help him.

SPARKY: Yeah, because I can't live with myself if I let my best friend become a fiend. It's exactly what happened to me when I tried crack.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky has messed-up hair, red eyes with bags, hands balled into fists, and he looks ready to explode.

WADE: Sparky, are you OK?

SPARKY: I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY! ANY QUESTIONS?!

Three weeks later...

Sparky is forced to do a public service announcement (PSA) warning kids about the dangers of crack cocaine, in the style of Pee-wee Herman's anti-drug PSA in 1991.

(holds up a bottle of crack) SPARKY: This...is crack. Rock cocaine. Just because I smoked it, doesn't mean you should. I don't mean a damn thing I'm saying in this crap but I need the big fat paycheck that comes with it so I can buy more crack. Don't be an idiot and smoke crack, alright? However, if you DO plan to be a coke fiend, the proper lighter is necessary.

END OF CUTAWAY

Buster walks in, and and everybody's staring at him.

BUSTER: What, did LPC die when I was on my power walk? I WAS GOING TO FEED HIM!

SPARKY: Buster, have a seat.

BUSTER: Um...OK?

(Buster sits down; everybody keeps staring at him)

BUSTER: What the hell is this, an after-school special?

RK: Probably.

WADE: Buster, I don't like your addiction to Margherita pizza.

BUSTER: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: Buster, I'm your friend and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, OK? But you DID eat nine slices last night and take home all the leftovers.

BUSTER: So? Just because that Margherita pizza really hit the spot, doesn't mean it's an addiction. And even if it is, who cares? It's food. Everybody's addicted to some kind of food.

SPARKY: Buster, this is very serious business.

BUSTER: Like..._Blossom _level serious?

SPARKY: Yes. _Blossom _level serious.

RK: I never saw the appeal in that show.

SPARKY: Buster, you're my best friend. And I don't want you to start abusing this pizza. That's why food is so dangerous. It can have a very negative impact on you, and a very negative impact on the people AROUND you. Soon, it'll get to the point where you can't live without it, and once you have it under control, your whole life is already screwed up royally.

BUSTER: I told you, I don't have an addiction! I don't care what you guys think about it! It's my life and you can't tell me how to live it!

JAYLYNN: Buster, we're just looking out for you.

BUSTER: Thanks, but I can take care of myself. I can't believe I came here for this garbage.

(Buster leaves Sparky's house)

SPARKY: Guys, I'm really worried about Buster.

RK: We need something a little better than just a simple intervention. We need to make it so we're helping Buster without judging him!

WADE: Yeah, a little positive reinforcement!

JAYLYNN: Exactly.

SPARKY: I don't know, you guys. Buster can be a pretty sharp kid, he might catch on. Then again, this is the same kid that can easily forget what he did five minutes ago.

CUTAWAY GAG

Buster is shown making a grilled cheese cinnamon raisin bagel and plugging out the toaster. He then sits down to watch TV.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

BUSTER: Did I forget to plug out the toaster?

Buster checks. The toaster isn't plugged in.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

BUSTER: Did I forget to plug out the toaster?

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 5

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is going through boxes of Margherita pizza that he's bought. He doesn't seem to be happy at all. In fact, he looks almost crazy with a lazy eye.

BUSTER: No one GETS IT! NOBODY! They'll never understand the pain and torture and the agony I go through every day! All the time, I get kicked around, tossed aside like a baseball without the cowhide. But does anyone care?! ANYONE! NOBODY! NEVER! THEY ALWAYS PUT THEMSELVES BEFORE ME! I NEED this pizza. I eat it to feel good. I eat it to feel strong and secure. I'm not alone when I eat Margherita pizza. And until everyone sees that, IT'S JUST ME AND MY NEW BEST FRIEND!

(Buster starts laughing maniacally and then bursts into tears while covering his face with his shirt; LPC then meows angrily)

BUSTER: Oh, really? (Bleep) you too.

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Sparky, why did you invite me over here?

SPARKY: Food addiction is a serious thing, Buster. The last thing you want to do is take something like this lightly. You have to be prepared for a very sad life when you become a Margherita pizza addict.

BUSTER: I don't have a problem, Sparky. I'm fine.

SPARKY: Are you sure?

BUSTER: YES, I'M SURE, NOW JUST READ THAT FOOD BOOK, WHATEVER IT IS!

SPARKY: Well. I'll have you know, this just so happens to be the official, patented MacDougal Almanac of Culinary Composition. (to the camera) Volume VI, available now in stores! (winks) And with this book, we're going to get you hooked.

BUSTER: Isn't that the problem right now?

SPARKY: On a new food. One that isn't proven to cause any health problems. Vegetables? Way too second grade. Fruits? See vegetables. Your tomato pizza addiction will become a thing of the past.

BUSTER: I'm not...(sighs) What did you have in mind?

SPARKY: How about cheesesteak? It's all the rage. The kids love eating it. And look. It's been proven to do much less damage than more potent foods such as the infamous Margherita pizza.

BUSTER: What? No way! I hate cheesesteak. Just saying it makes my skin crawl and my breath smells like the illegitimate child of two onions after I eat it.

SPARKY: But it's the cool thing! Cheesesteak is en vogue, buddy.

BUSTER: So? I don't care if the kids are eating this crap. I'm not.

SPARKY: Well then, Buster. This calls for drastic measures. Witness...the Cheesesteak Shuffle. PLAY MY MUSIC, STEVIE!

STEVIE: You got it, Sparky!

BUSTER: Our music guy is a girl now?

SPARKY: Yeah, I think we switched around the holidays.

(Sparky performs the Cheesesteak Shuffle while the accompanying song plays in the background; Buster, in a fit of rage, knocks Sparky out by punching him in the face while wearing brass knuckles; Buster starts quivering and hyperventilating, then runs out of the house while sad background music from _Family Guy _plays to transition)

SCENE 7

The Westboro Complex

Exterior Back Entrance

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: Buster, are you here somewhere? Buster?!

Buster is eating Margherita pizza off a mirror with the Talking Dumpster, and is using the crusts for bongs)

BUSTER: I told you this was amazing.

TALKING DUMPSTER: You said it, partner. This is the most incredible pizza I've ever stuffed in my mouth.

BUSTER: I know, right? Your mouth feels so good because this has been stuffed inside it. And your throat feels good when it's shoved in there.

TALKING DUMPSTER: Aren't you worried you'll get caught eating this stuff?

BUSTER: Nope. No one ever comes here to see me. And as long as you keep it a secret, I can keep eating Margherita pizza for as long as I live.

JAYLYNN: I don't think so.

(Buster gasps as an angry Jaylynn catches him and the Talking Dumpster eating Margherita pizza; conflicting music from _Arthur _plays in the background)

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express, without Buster, is sitting at the table.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. He's only nine years old. And he's such a good kid. Why would Buster even think about eating that garbage?

RK: Sparky, times have changed. There's a lot of pressure on kids today to try eating.

WADE: Yeah, the media is glorifying this stuff for kids and teenagers all over the world. I mean, you see Cimorelli holding a Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt and singing about it, I mean...these girls are sending the wrong message.

JAYLYNN: I mean, you see these...you see these pop stars holding a piece of fried chicken on TV and smiling about it. They're trying to make eating look cool. Society no longer wants to protect us against this stuff.

SPARKY: It's a damn shame. Things have REALLY changed since I was a baby.

JAYLYNN: I'm not letting this happen. I'm marching over there and telling Buster to quit eating that junk before he hurts himself. My mom died because of alcoholism. I'm not letting Buster go out in a similar way!

(Jaylynn gets up, but Sparky pulls her back)

SPARKY: Easy, Jam-Master Jay. I don't think it's as simple as just yelling at him and forcing him to quit. We need to figure out WHY Buster became addicted to Margherita pizza so we can figure out the best way to help him. I just don't want him to end up being one of those kids that has to learn the hard way.

WADE: You could just schedule a meeting with a therapist at the local rehabilitation clinic. They have on-sight caretakers who will give Buster the finest attention in Seattle.

RK: Yeah, because there was no reason to mention that before. (RK looks around the room, annoyed)

SPARKY: Maybe we could go tomorrow and that can be the first step on the road to recovery. I know I'm staying with him all the way.

WADE: It's a pretty tense situation, I really don't handle those things well sometimes.

JAYLYNN: And I have poetry class.

SPARKY: RK?

RK: I have your back, Sparky. And Buster's.

SPARKY: Thanks man. And who knows? This could be the perfect opportunity for us to bond again. We haven't done much as a trio lately besides that music video.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky, Buster, and RK do a parody of the music video for "Keep On Lovin' Me" by The Whispers in downtown Los Angeles. They're dressed exactly like The Whispers, right down to the fancy suits.

RK: Guys, guys, stop the video. My mustache fell off again.

(groaning from Sparky and Buster)

SPARKY: DUDE, THIS WAS IN ONE TAKE!

BUSTER: Can't you just slap some crazy glue on that thing?!

RK: Well, I'm trying here!

SPARKY: No, you're not.

BUSTER: This is how our Saturday afternoon is turning out? THIS IS HOW?!

END OF CUTAWAY

(to Sparky) RK: You BASTARD! We should've done "And the Beat Goes On."

SCENE 9

The McKenna Drug Rehabilitation Clinic

Interior Waiting Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: I can't believe I'm here. Why am I here, dammit?!

SPARKY: Buster, we need to help you with your Margherita pizza addiction before it gets worse. I love you, bro. You're my best friend and I don't want to see you die from this.

RK: I wonder why this clinic is called McKenna.

SPARKY: I don't know. I think it's just a reference.

RK: Do we really need ANOTHER one?

(A female doctor comes out wearing a sandwich board)

FEMALE DOCTOR: Newman, 3:45?

SPARKY: That's our party! Come on, guys. Let's roll.

BUSTER: The sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can be left alone.

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are taken to a room with a male therapist)

(looks out the window) RK: What the? There are no palm trees in Seattle, why are these out here?!

DR. ARMISEN: Good afternoon, children. My name is Dr. Stanley Armisen and I will be assisting young Buster with his addiction to Margherita pizza. Now who is Buster, first and foremost?

(sitting in the middle seat; Sparky and RK are sitting on the left seat and right seat, respectively) BUSTER: I am.

DR. ARMISEN: OK, we'll be out of here in no time.

BUSTER: Great.

SPARKY: Buster, show some respect.

RK: Um, sir, why was your assistant wearing a sandwich board?

DR. ARMISEN: She's a big fan of _In the Blood._

RK: What?

DR. ARMISEN: The play by Suzan-Lori Parks?

(long pause; RK is bored)

DR. ARMISEN: 1998? One of the best tragedies of all-time?

(another long pause; RK is still bored)

DR. ARMISEN: Is all of this going over your head?

RK: Yes, sir, it is.

DR. ARMISEN: OK, let's stop splitting hairs and move on then. So, Buster, it's come to my attention that you're addicted to Margherita pizza.

BUSTER: Wow, you catch on fast. My idiot best friend signed me up for this.

SPARKY: What?

RK: Buster...

BUSTER: I can control my addiction. I don't need your help, Doc. I'm perfectly fine on my own.

DR. ARMISEN: Buster, you need to realize how serious this is. You've been abusing that foul Margherita pizza for too long. It's just as bad for you as Big Macs or steak. When you eat this pizza, there's no hope. You're wasting your life away. And every day, things get worse until you become a waste of flesh and blood. This pizza is not fit for human consumption.

BUSTER: But I know Cimorelli eats it. And they're right about everything.

DR. ARMISEN: Who's that?

RK: Now YOU'RE on the other side!

BUSTER: They're a girl group of singing sisters.

DR. ARMISEN: Celebrities. The worst people to take advice from. Everything they say is a rotten lie. Do you know how many people died from Margherita pizza abuse last year?

BUSTER: I don't know. Two out of every 500,000 people?

DR. ARMISEN: Worse. ONE out of every 500,000 people. Do you want to be the two?

BUSTER: No. And those numbers are...

DR. ARMISEN: Buster, this kind of thing isn't just going to go away. You're a horrible person. People who eat Margherita pizza should die. But since you're a kid, I'm just going to wish you get your leg hit by a car and you need questionable surgery. If you don't kick the addiction, you're going to die without a shadow of a doubt.

The next scene is of Sparky, Buster, and RK in the elevator going down. Sparky is worried, Buster is angry, and RK looks like he's about to talk.

RK: You know, I LOVED Cameron Ansell as Arthur. He really made him sound like a real kid. Most underrated voice actor in the last decade, that's for sure.

BUSTER: Why did you have to take me there?! I told you already, I don't have a problem!

SPARKY: Yeah, Jaylynn caught you mozzarella-handed. Face it, Buster. You're in denial about this problem now. And why are you talking to me anyway? I thought I was just an idiot. Right? A big, stupid idiot who was trying to keep his best friend from getting sick!

BUSTER: You don't know a damn thing. Food is food, I'm not going to die because of it. I've never had a stroke, I exercise regularly, I'm not even fat! Whatever I eat doesn't even tip the scales, maybe.

SPARKY: Buster, here is what YOU think. You think you're so untouchable. You think this Margherita pizza problem is just going to disappear? You're kidding yourself. I'm here to make sure you don't die!

BUSTER: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ON THE LINE FOR ME, SPARKY! YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING MY DAMN PROBLEMS, IT'S ME! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ME, AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE ME! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ON THE LINE FOR ME, SPARKY! ARE YOU?! ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON THE LINE FOR ME?! HUH? WHAT?! DO YOU HAVE MY BACK?! DO YOU HAVE IT?! D-D-DO YOU HAVE IT?! GUTS!

RK: Is it me, or did the elevator just stop moving all of a sudden?

SPARKY: Buster, I'm doing you a favor and you don't seem to care!

BUSTER: You want to do me a favor? STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

(The elevator opens, and Buster storms off while Sparky chases after him; the "oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh" from _Big Time Rush _starts playing in the background)

RK: Hmmmm. Guess it was just letting us have our moment.

SEGWAY SEGMENT

(Buster is in the show's production room)

BUSTER: Hello everybody. I'm Buster Newman from the hit TV show _Thank You, Heavenly. _It's about that time for an update on the St. Patrick's Day Quintet Code Hunt. Did you get the first code?

(The clip from "My Weekend With the CimFam" is shown featuring the code)

BUSTER: That's right! Clover! Remember, you don't have to worry right now. Just go online to our official website and put in the second code if you can guess it. And it's coming in the second act so get your pen and paper ready! Wade will be here tomorrow night for another update. But until then, this is Buster signing off. Now time for a Game Break update presented by GEICO. Dan, Shannon, Boomer! (long pause) I'm...I'm sorry, I got into that way more than I originally should've. Just find the next code, OK?

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Everyone is there except for Buster.

JAYLYNN: So, he just told you to stay out of his life? This kid is diseased.

WADE: I always pondered that about Buster.

SPARKY: He's not diseased. I think he's going through self-withdrawal right now. But it was crazy. He didn't even take the car with me and RK. He just took a cab.

RK: We need to do something about Buster immediately. This addiction is just going to get worse until he dies from it.

SPARKY: Well, we're just going to have to gain an advantage psychologically. He wants to be self-destructive? Then we'll placate him.

JAYLYNN: That's a really bad idea.

SPARKY: No. We serve Buster pizza that he believes to be the Margherita kind. But it isn't. If he eats regular pizza again, then he won't have to worry about withdrawal and the addiction will be gone.

RK: Are you sure we can trick Buster into this?

SPARKY: I think so, we're all smarter than him anyway. He doesn't do well under pressure either. Remember when he told us about the stereotypical black muggers?

CUTAWAY GAG

Buster is being held at gunpoint by three black men.

BUSTER: Don't kill me, I have so much to live for!

MUGGER #1: Alright, boy, we'll let you go. But answer this question correctly first. Who is the greatest rapper of all-time?

BUSTER: All-time?

MUGGER #1: ALL-time!

(long pause)

BUSTER: Rakim?

MUGGER #2: Wrong.

(Buster gets shot in the arm)

BUSTER: GAAAAAAHHHHH! DAMMIT!

MUGGER #3: It has to be either Biggie or Pac. Nas maybe.

(Buster groans in pain)

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: Where's Buster?

SPARKY: He's eating the pizza in the kitchen. Instead of the imported tomatoes in the regular Margherita pizza, I'm using the plain stuff from the store.

RK: Oh, that's butt.

(Sparky and RK start chuckling)

SPARKY: Wait, what?

(Buster comes in, looking almost deranged)

RK: Oh boy.

SPARKY: Buster, I thought you were eating your delicious Margherita pizza.

BUSTER: I was. But you see (chuckling), there's one thing you overlooked. Just one tiny thing you overlooked.

SPARKY: Yeah, what's that?

(Buster hits Sparky with a spear and pins him down)

BUSTER: DO YOU TAKE ME FOR AN IDIOT?! HUH?! DO YOU?!

SPARKY: Certain people do, yes.

BUSTER: THAT'S NOT THE MARGHERITA PIZZA, YOU JACK!

(Buster starts choking Sparky and slamming his head to the floor in a fit of rage)

RK: Buster, do you want to see my Jim Carrey impression?

SPARKY: RK, HE'S CHOKING ME, DO SOMETHING!

RK: OK, you can see it too. Oh, right, he's choking you.

(RK takes the air freshener and sprays Buster in a face, and he starts crying and shaking on the floor)

SPARKY: Well, that didn't work.

RK: See, Sparky. This is EXACTLY why I told you not to have kids. This kind of thing will happen when you start letting your children test their limits. You see, when I have kids, that's not going to happen. They're not going to have a social life, nothing. If they even THINK about going to the big jamboree at the park, I'm whopping 'em with a switch.

SPARKY: RK, WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

RK: I don't know.

(Sparky continues angrily staring at RK while RK continues giving Sparky a bored look while Buster continues crying and shaking)

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is with Sparky. They're about to enact Plan B in their attempts to wean Buster off Margherita pizza.

RK: Hey, where's Wade and Jaylynn?

SPARKY: They're the middlemen at this point. They only come in if things get too convoluted.

RK: So, you don't think this is convoluted enough?

SPARKY: No. OK, what's the plan, Ryan?

RK: Please don't call me that, I don't have the patience. Now, since Buster likes a lot of flavor in his food, I was thinking we replace the tomatoes with potatoes. Well, that's when I make the pizza.

SPARKY: How is this going to work? Buster was hip to the last scheme.

RK: Yeah, but Buster's IQ is flexible. He can be intelligent AND ridiculously stupid. All we need to do is come up with something he'll believe.

SPARKY: Well, what's Manny doing here?

RK: Just clearing out. I paid him $25 to get rid of all the imported tomatoes in the house.

MANNY: What are you talking about? I got rid of the potatoes like you said.

RK: WHAT?! That's not what I said!

MANNY: I know what you said, man. You said throw away the potatoes.

RK: I said tomatoes! TOMATOES! (RK wiggles his fist in Manny's face)

SPARKY: Yeah, I think that gag only works for me in small doses.

MANNY: Well, you gave me the money already so I'm kinda indifferent right now.

RK: And you're kinda five seconds away from getting smacked up. What did you do with the potatoes anyway?

MANNY: Shipped them off to Ireland.

RK: Oh.

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Buster, you and I need to talk about your addiction to Margherita pizza.

BUSTER: There's nothing to talk about. My life is better off WITH my addiction than without it.

SPARKY: And I realize that to some extent. So you know what? I'm done.

BUSTER: What do you mean, you're done?

SPARKY: I'm done with you. I've tried and tried to help you get over your addiction but it's clear you don't want my help or need my help. So you're on your own.

BUSTER: Really?

SPARKY: Yes. I've done enough and it's pretty obvious this has gone on way too long. Just remember one thing: You're the one who made the decision to eat that pizza, you're the one who let yourself get addicted, and you're the one who's going to pay the price later on. Just don't let me watch you die. Now get out of my house.

(long pause)

SPARKY: I DON'T want to look at you, Buster. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

(Buster stares at Sparky briefly, and walks away with a smirk on his face; Sparky turns away, and it can be assumed that he's crying)

("Can You Rock It Like This" by Run-DMC playing in the background)

Buster is now living his life freely. Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are no longer involved in helping him with his Margherita pizza addiction, which is actually what he desires. He's also ostracized from the group, and Sparky even refuses to look at him anymore. Meanwhile, Buster is eating five boxes of Margherita pizza a day, and even the Talking Dumpster doesn't think it's healthy. He becomes violent at home, constantly yelling at LPC and at one point, slapping him for no reason at all. Despite being scratched, Buster doesn't care. His clothes are also messed up and he doesn't even go to school anymore. Late at night while walking down the street downtown, he starts sweating and clutching his head in pain. Buster goes for one more tomato-filled bite, but he collapses on the sidewalk and many people rush to his aid. The montage ends with this line by DMC: "I'm dying from the spying that you're putting me through/I perspire, I'm on fire when I'm thinking of you."

SCENE 14

Children's Hospital

Interior Buster's Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all in the room with Buster's doctor.

DR. ROBINSON: Well, Buster suffered from internal hemorrhaging. He should be dead soon.

WADE: No, he shouldn't.

DR. ROBINSON: Yeah, that reference wasn't the best. Buster is getting his second chance. He suffered from walking pneumonia last night. Apparently, all that cheese and tomato began to shut down his system and it led to him collapsing yesterday.

JAYLYNN: OK. Do you have anything more constructive to say?

DR. ROBINSON: Well, he's on anaesthetic. And there are chicken fingers in the cafeteria that I'm going to now snag before Paul does. Dumbass always taking my food.

(Dr. Robinson leaves the room, and Buster starts opening his eyes and turns his head slowly)

BUSTER: What happened? Am...am I in Hell? If so, then I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

SPARKY: No, dude, you had a serious pizza-induced pneumonia attack last night. I really hope you've learned something from all this.

BUSTER: Yeah. At first, I thought being an adult would be fun. But then I realized it really bites. I'm not going to grow up any time soon. Right now, I'm just going to be a kid.

RK: Good for you, Holmes.

SPARKY: Buster, that has nothing to do with what happened.

WADE: It's probably just the anaesthesia.

BUSTER: No, that's half the reason. But I realized eating is NOT the way to solve my problems. I shouldn't have taken those caffeine pills. And Sparky, I'm really sorry. All you did was try and protect me and I was a horrible friend. Can you please accept my apology?

(rubbing hand through Buster's hair) SPARKY: Of course, fella.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe people don't do more to solve addiction.

WADE: Well, Jaylynn, it's a slippery slope. No one really understands how powerful addiction can be until they go through it themselves.

RK: And then we have to have contrived, shallow, mildly offensive drama to help remedy the issue.

SPARKY: I just can't understand why nobody ever talks about getting rid of the things that destroy us.

BUSTER: Because humanity is self-destructive every step of the way. Margherita pizza nearly killed me. How can I make sure I don't go into a relapse?

RK: By not eating it in excess?

SPARKY: Or we could go the predictable, incompetent route: We'll take it one step at a time.

(Sparky hugs Buster, and the others come in for a group hug)

(black screen)

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Sparky is coming from the kitchen of Buster's condo, and Buster is waiting for him on the couch. Instead, Sparky chooses to stand behind him. Both face the camera.

SPARKY: Hi, I'm Sparky MacDougal.

BUSTER: And I'm Buster Newman.

SPARKY: Usually at this time, you would often hear a dope song to end the show. But due to the special theme of tonight's episode, we thought we would do things a little differently.

BUSTER: Yeah. We thought we'd talk to you kids and your parents about a topic that's...not easy to talk about.

SPARKY: Tonight's episode with Buster never happened. But if you or someone you know is in a similar situation, then it's time to kick some knowledge.

BUSTER: Margherita pizza is highly dangerous in real-life. It can lead to serious addiction, a negative personality change, health risks...

SPARKY: When it comes to food, we all love it. But it's no laughing matter. Margherita pizza addiction has killed several people and can kill you or your friends and family.

BUSTER: Please call the National Food Abuse Hotline. It's a toll-free number and for those who don't know, it's (888) 521-8596. There are employees there who work 24/7 and can be at assistance whenever.

SPARKY: Also, if you or someone you know is addicted to Margherita pizza, tell someone you trust. Unless you're afraid they'll do something to you in which case you're better off calling a different hotline. Your parents, your teachers, your counselors, your local police officers...

BUSTER: And remember: If you know someone is doing harm to their body like this, and you're not saying anything, you're just as bad as the person with the problem.

SPARKY: Don't ignore it. Don't try and solve it yourself. But don't be afraid to stand up for what's right.

BUSTER: Good night from _Thank You, Heavenly._

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("The Message" by Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five featuring Melle Mel and Duke Bootee playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

THERE'S A REASON VERY SPECIAL EPISODES DON'T EXIST ANYMORE ;)


	2. Too Many Margheritas Backstage Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-This was the third episode of the St. Patrick's Day Quintet produced, after the RK-centric "Duck Infection" and the Sparky-centric "My Weekend With the CimFam."

-For all those unaware, this was a full-on parody of the very special episode, right down to the PSA at the end.

-Nothing necessarily inspired me to write this episode. It just came to me, and very special episodes are always the kind of thing I either want to play straight or make fun of. Initially, this episode had Sparky as the main character, and he was addicted to Pixy Stix, not Margherita pizza, but that was changed. I also didn't have a main reason to make Buster have the addiction. Probably because there were already plots for the other characters?

-Remember in the last Backstage Pass where I told you that the Margherita pizza had a backstory with me? Well, I wasn't joking about that. And it has a lot to do with Cimorelli (big shocker). Last summer, when I was heavily obsessed with the group (I'm starting to go into a relapse, but at least I have school, songwriting, and the show to hold my attention), I started writing a pilot episode for a show revolving around their lives, kind of like _JONAS. _It was also called "Too Many Margheritas," and it was based around the girls' growing addiction to the tomato-covered pizza. It ends up having a negative effect on their careers as well. I never posted it because I never got past the first scene, and the site deleted it. I kept the plot and decided to use it for _Thank You, Heavenly. _Although, I have to point out that the Cimorelli version was more lighthearted and less mocking than this one.

-Oh yeah, the second code is "Potatoes." Tune in tomorrow for codes #3, #4, and #5!

-If you remember, I did a straight very special episode in the first season ("Never Forget the Dream") about racism. While that episode was meant to be serious, this one wasn't. Although I have to admit this kinda got serious to me while I was writing certain parts.

-There were several references to very special episodes of other shows in this episode. I'll explain those along with the regular references I made.

-Much like this episode's development, nothing really inspired me to make the cold open. At least nothing huge. It was just something that I thought would add to the experience. If I'm doing a very special episode parody, I'm going full steam ahead! _Full House _did something similar during the original airing of one of its very special episodes in the seventh season ("The Last Dance") as well as _Family Guy _("Brian & Stewie").

-I got the creamed bologna burritos from the season four _Doug _episode "Doug's Babysitter."

-Sparky referenced "My Weekend With the CimFam" twice: The actual nick in the paint he found, and when he actually acknowledges the dream. This is mostly because the show is serialized and reliant on continuity.

-Sparky and RK were performing the chorus to "Time to Get Ill" by the Beastie Boys.

-Buster was referencing the season five _Full House _episode "Spellbound" when Sparky asked if he was OK. Buster was singing the first Ranger Joe cartoon theme song that Jesse came up with for Joey.

-Oftentimes, the very special episode doesn't become serious until the last scene right before the commercial break, but why waste a second?

-When Sparky was high, he referenced two anti-drug PSAs: A meth commercial from the early 2000s (don't know the name) with his first line, and the 1987 "This is your brain on drugs" commercial with his second line. His first two lines in the anti-crack parody were from the actual PSA with Herman.

-After-school specials were aired constantly years ago, at times where kids are normally coming out of school. They were the equivalent of very special episodes, as they always dealt with serious themes.

-_Blossom _ran from 1990-1995 on NBC. It was a teen sitcom, and it had several very special episodes to the point where it became cliche.

-That toaster cutaway is true to life. I sometimes get paranoid about whether or not I unplugged it.

-Cheesesteak was actually a metaphor for marijuana.

-Buster eating Margherita pizza off the mirror is a reference to cocaine, which is often smoked off of mirrors.

-Up to Wade mentioning the rehabilitation clinic, the conversation between the kids references the season three _Full House _episode "Just Say No Way," where D.J. is believed to be drinking by Jesse. Danny, Joey, and Jesse have a similar conversation in the kitchen about how drinking is glorified in the media and how teenagers are suffering because of it. However, it's less detailed than this conversation.

-I remember watching the music video for "Keep On Lovin' Me" with my sister on VH1 about four years ago. And I remember because a new episode of _VICTORiOUS _came on that night. It was "The Birthweek Song."

-The rehabilitation clinic is named after Chris and Matt McKenna, who are known for their work on shows like _American Dad _("Rapture's Delight") and _Community._

-The doctor from _In the Blood _also wore a sandwich board. It's a really good play as it goes on.

-Buster's screaming speech to Sparky references _The Wire_ (an HBO crime drama from 2002-2008) and _Guts _(a Nickelodeon game show from 1992-1995).

-The Game Break update was a reference to _NFL on CBS. _"Dan! Shannon! Boomer!" was a reference to Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe, and Boomer Esiason, who all work as analysts on the show.

-You wouldn't believe how many people think Biggie and Pac are the greatest of all-time. It's really annoying.

-"That's butt" actually has a story behind it. In the season three _Drake and Josh_ episode "Alien Invasion," Drake and Josh are thinking of ways to prank Megan. Drake says "Oh, that's butt." At least that's what I thought he said. He actually said, "Oh, Dad's butt?" I think what I originally thought was pretty funny.

-I think both Sparky and RK will repeat words for emphasis. EMPHASIS!

-Dr. Robinson was referencing the season four _Growing Pains _episode "Second Chance," where Carol's boyfriend Sandy dies from internal hemorrhaging after drunk driving.

-Buster accepting Jesus as his Lord and Savior is a reference to a cutaway from the most recent _Family Guy _episode "Mom's the Word." Brian, in an attempt to teach Stewie about death, said that Christians believe accepting Jesus before you die is a one-way ticket to Heaven. In the cutaway, Osama bin Laden accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior right before SEAL Team 6 killed him, and got into Heaven because of it. Plus, it makes sense since Buster's an atheist. :)

-When Buster responded to Sparky asking him what he learned, he instead referenced the _Haunted Hathaways _episode "Haunted Camping." In his real response, he mentioned he should've never taken those caffeine pills. That was a reference to the season two _Saved by the Bell _episode "Jessie's Song," where Jessie took caffeine pills to help stay organized.

-The PSA at the end was a parody of the PSA from the season four _Mr. Belvedere _episode "The Counselor," where Wesley is touched by his counselor at day camp. Sparky takes the place of Christopher Hewett (Mr. Belvedere) and Buster takes the place of Brice Beckham (Wesley). In the original PSA, the two talked about child molestation. I think. I know they told you that no one shouldn't touch you if you don't want them to.

-How could you not end a very special episode parody with a song like "The Message?"


End file.
